(title is a ref to a podcast of M's) (Moved from metatalk)

It's time to upgrade my phone.

I would like:
1) Integration/syncing with my Mac addressbook and calendar.
2) A easy-to-change way to assign numbers to quick numbers (like 1 = my g.f., 2=parents).
3) A way to plug it in at night that doesn't cause it to light up.
4) A way to change to Silent mode that does not cause a noise.
5) A way to turn it off that doesn't make a little song-and-dance routine.
6) blue tooth that allows for everything--right now (mysteriously) my photos are only synced through bluetooth and my addressbook & calendar are only synced through a wire.
7) Something with configurable menus, so the things I use most often I can make more accessible.
8) Probably impossible: Ideally, something I can configure to my heart's content. I'm happy hacking at it. I'm frustrated that I can't. Is there a cellphone company that is familiar with setting preferences?
9) Probably impossible: something that I can just mount as a little drive (like my iPod). Then I can script that bad boy and I will be truly happy.

What I don't care about:
1) taking pictures with it
2) surfing the web with it
3) playing games on it
4) listening to music on it
5) looking at pictures/video/anything on it
6) getting ringtones by anyone at any time
7) writing stuff on it, or, in fact, entering much data in it at all (i'm happy entering data on my computer and syncing)

I have a motorola v170 right now. I loathe it. It's right there, looking at me right now.